Dear peons,

I realize that we allow you to have some days off. However, you need to have a very good reason to take those days. Going to your daughter’s cadiologist appointment is not good enough reason. Your husband can take her, and you can see her after your appointment. I know you have a lot of work to do today, and this company cannot live without your genius ideas (LOL) for one day.

Oh, and you just didn’t beg hard enough. Maybe next time. LMAO.

Sincerely,
The Man

Dear peons,

Dear peons,

Please do not include me on your inane emails regarding your office cubicle area. You have a laptop, yes? Do you realize that a laptop is portable? Do you know what portable means? Because you’re such an idiot, I will give you step-by-step instructions on what to do.

1. Pick up your laptop.
2. Find an open space.
3. Sit your ass down and get to work.

There, problem solved. Now, let me get back to more important things. I have a huge file of Internet porn that needs to be downloaded. 

Sincerely, 
The Man 

Dear peons,

Do you know that rumor about the company being sold? I started it.

Sure, I know you have a mortgage, a family to feed, bills to pay. But I just love to watch you squirm so much. LOL. 

 Oh, don’t worry. I only start these rumors for my own amusement. I get bored up here, you know. I need something to do. I can only pretend that I actually care for so long…

Anyway, lucky for you, this company’s not going anywhere. Or is it??? I guess you’ll never know for sure until it’s too late. LMAO.

Sincerely,
The Man

Dear peons, 

This is a little note to remind you that I know how to play the office politics game. I’m the master of it. That’s why I’m The Man. So, don’t pretend you can outsmart me by being a go-getter. I certainly don’t mind you working extra hard for the same pay as the other peons. But let me break it to you now - it’s not going to get you anywhere.

Check Mate.

Sincerely,
The Man

Dear peons,

What do you think you’re doing? Don’t think I didn’t notice you wore jeans on a Monday. I know you’re new, but I also know you were in orientation. You know that Friday is casual day. What, do you think you’re some sort of rebel or something? I can replace you faster than a roll of toilet paper.

And you peons wearing flip-flops…read your Employee Manuals! It clearly states NO flip-flops. I don’t care if you just got your nails done. You should be busy working instead of getting your nails done anyway. Yes, I know you get a lunch break, but if you were a really GOOD employee, you would sit at your desk - all day, every day.

Sincerely,
The Man

Dear peons,

I’m going to start being nicer and periodically offer you some information about getting out of your so-called office hell. Why would I help you get out, you ask? First of all, I’m pretty sure you’ll be a failure. Secondly, you’re replaceable. There’s always another peon to fill your place. In fact, I rather enjoy the new bumbling idiots, all fresh-faced, bright-eyed and ready to make a difference in the company. It’s so much fun beating them down.

Anyway, you think you can make it on your own? I don’t. But, I’ll give you some tools anyway.

Check back often. When I’m not too busy golfing or laying on my beautiful Italian leather sofa, I might actually care enough to post something to help you.

Look on the “Try, peons.” page.

Sincerely,
The Man

Dear peons,

If you screw something up and don’t tell me about it, I am going to rip you a new asshole when I find out. Granted, I will rip you a new asshole even if you do tell me about it. 

I guess you’re screwed either way. Too bad. LOL.  

Sincerely, 
The Man

Dear peons,

You screwed up. Now you’re on my blacklist. Say bye-bye to your bonus.

Sincerely,
The Man

Dear peons,

I meant it when I said you need to “earn your money”. What do you think we pay you for? To slack off and read the Internet all day? Don’t forget…

You. Are. Replaceable. Get this shirt so that you don’t forget it.

Sincerely,
The Man